It was a strange day yesterday. I was sitting in my studio looking at the piece I had already put my first coat of paint on and was surrounded by the large-scale paintings I've been working on for the past few months. I'm not sure whether it was the hormones or just reality that hit me when I saw the other paintings as insincere and just decorative. They stopped speaking to me in any way. Pretty faces on large canvases. I felt like it was all a waste of time. Pointless.
This moment led me to my next thought, which angered me even more. The thought that my work looked amateur, simple-minded, unsophisticated and lacked focus. I didn't have answers to anything. Why do I paint? What am I painting? No sense of direction. It was truly disheartening.
I sat down on the floor in front of my 30x30 inch canvas and stared at the face that stared back at me. It was lifeless. I started looking around the studio floor searching for something that might make me feel better during this pathetic pity party. There were these Krink markers, and mops that were brand new and still sealed. I opened them and started making marks on my canvas. The colors were mesmerizing and the consistency was beautiful. They were even glossy after they dried and they bled beautifully. Then something happened. It gave me the strength to get up, and go back into planning mode. This time, I'm going to do it right. This time, I'm going to invest more than just my time. This time, I'm going to make it count.
May 14th 2016 was a turning point for me. I'm hoping it only brings the best out of me. Here's the beauty that helped me during the moment of despair.